Fr. Brendan’s Blunders

Have you seen those commercials for Southwest Airlines where someone does something really embarrassing and then the announcer says “Wanna get away? Here are my “Get away moments”

“He’s Not Dead Father”
Every Mass that is celebrated is offered for someone; often it is offered for someone who has died. During the liturgy the priest mentions the name of the person. For example, “We pray for John who in baptism died with Christ, may he also share his resurrection.” Well, at one particular Mass I looked at the little sheet of paper on the altar with the name of the person for whom Mass was being offered and read “for Michael who died with Christ…” It turns out that Michael’s parents were at the Mass and came up to me afterwards and thanked me for offering the Mass for their Son as they requested. They said “only one thing Father, Michael’s not dead, he’s just fine, we were just having Mass said for our son.”
- Wanna get away? I apologized and we laughed about it.
- Lesson learned: Look CLOSELY at the name on the sheet to see if it says “deceased” or “special intention” next to the name.

Junk Wanted
While reading the announcements at Mass I was supposed to read: “please bring in your used items for our parish rummage sale”. Instead I mistakenly read “please bring in your useless items”. Opps

Mistaken Identity
There was a child who came into confession and knelt behind the screen and made his confession. Toward the end I invited the boy to recognize that every moment of his youth is a preparation for him becoming a good husband and father in the future. I added, “perhaps God will invite you to become a priest; wouldn’t that be great?” With some hesitation and doubt he answered “Yeah” I assigned him a penance and said goodbye. Then a girl with long hair and a dress peaked around the corner of the screen and cheerfully said “Bye Father”.
- Wanna get away? I had just invited a girl to become a priest! Ahhhh.
- Lesson learned: Unless the person behind the screen has the voice of a linebacker don’t mention priesthood, invite them to open to God’s call will in their lives – whatever that may be.

Lost in Translation

She Ate People?
During a Mass in Spanish I was preaching about Mother Theresa of Calcutta. I pointed out that she was often ridiculed for caring for the poorest of the poor. Her critics said she wasn’t making a difference or solving world hunger. I meant to say that Mother Theresa simply feed and cared for one person at a time, one by one.” In Spanish I said “Madre Theresa comió a una persona a persona, persona por persona” Rough translation” Mother Theresa ate one person at a time, person by person.
- Wanna Get Away?
- Lesson learned: ??? Should I have put a correction in the bulletin the next Sunday announcing that, in fact, Mother Theresa actually did not eat people but fed them?


Torture and Turtles
Just last weekend we read the beautiful story of the martyrdom of the 7 Macabee brothers and their mother. In Spanish I tried to speak about how this family remained faithful to God and one another even though they suffered torture. In Spanish I said “…ellos sufrieron la tortuga” Rough translation: they suffered the turtle. In Spanish torture is la tortura and turtle is la tortuga. One stinking letter!


Holy Eyes!
At a baptism - in Spanish of course - I prayed over these darling infants and intended to say “Father bless these children…” This time I was reading the prayer so I was assured to get it right…right? Wrong. It seems pronouncing the right word wrongly isn’t any better. I mispronounced hijos and confidently prayed “Padre bendice estos ojos”. Translation: Father bless they eyes”
Wanna Get Away? Anwer: Yes!
Lesson Learned: People are very, very forgiving.

At Least I’m Not Alone

How About a Kiss?
A priest told me that when he was in South America as missionary he too was just getting to know Spanish. When a person celebrates the Sacrament of Reconciliation and Penance (Confession) they are often invited to say an act of contrition. In Mexico this is Un Acto de Contricion. However, this particular Spanish-speaking country had a common act of contrition that is named after the first word of the prayer: “Pésame”. This priest was told by another priest to invite the penitent to pray this by saying to him or her “Pésame por favor” meaning please say the pesame prayer. Well me friends, in Spanish the “p” and “b” sound pretty similar. Apparently this poor priest said to his first penitent “bésame por favor” with a “b”. The man gave the priest an odd look so the priest repeated a little louder “bésame por favor” so the man leaned over and kissed the priest. Besar is to kiss.

PESAME:

Pésame Dios mío y me arrepiento de todo corazón de haberos ofendido, pésame por el infierno que merecí y por el cielo que perdí, pero mucho más me pesa porque pecando ofendí a un Dios tan bueno y tan grande como vos. Antes querría haber muerto que haberos ofendido y propongo firmemente no pecar más y evitar todas las ocasiones próximas de pecado. Amén


Oh My!
An American-Vietnamese priest friend of mine grew up in the U.S. and struggles with preaching in Vietnamese. Vietnamese is immeasurably more difficult than Spanish. The meaning of words can change with the intonation of your voice so that if your voices goes up at the end of a word it means one thing and if your voice goes down at the end of the word it means something completely different. Completely. This priest was preaching about how God gives his people nourishment. He mentioned nourishment quite a few times, that is, until someone explained to him that he was pronouncing the word incorrectly. As result the priest was actually saying that God gives his people Viagra. Oh My!