"Is it in vain that I have kept my heart clean"?

Living a Christian life isn't easy and, of course, Jesus never said it was. On the contrary he who said "I am the way, the truth and the life" showed us by his own life, death, and resurrection what the Christian Way looks like. However, while we're trying hard to live a good Christian life sometimes we're tempted to look at those who live godless and selfish, and yet apparently rich carefree and we ask ourselves is in vain that I have kept my heart clean?

We're not alone. The psalmist below felt the same way until he gained a little Godly insight.

Psalm 73

1. How good God is to the upright, the Lord, to those who are clean of heart!

2 But, as for me, I lost my balance; my feet all but slipped,

3 Because I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 For they suffer no pain; their bodies are healthy and sleek.

5 They are free of the burdens of life; they are not afflicted like others.

6 Thus pride adorns them as a necklace; violence clothes them as a robe.

7 Out of their stupidity comes sin; evil thoughts flood their hearts.

8 They scoff and spout their malice; from on high they utter threats.

9 They set their mouths against the heavens, their tongues roam the earth.

10 So my people turn to them and drink deeply of their words.

11 They say, "Does God really know?" "Does the Most High have any knowledge?"

12 Such, then, are the wicked, always carefree, increasing their wealth.

13 Is it in vain that I have kept my heart clean, washed my hands in innocence?

14 For I am afflicted day after day, chastised every morning.

15 Had I thought, "I will speak as they do," I would have betrayed your people.

16 Though I tried to understand all this, it was too difficult for me,

17 Till I entered the sanctuary of God and came to understand their end.

18 You set them, indeed, on a slippery road; you hurl them down to ruin.

19 How suddenly they are devastated; undone by disasters forever!

20 They are like a dream after waking, Lord, dismissed like shadows when you arise.

21 Since my heart was embittered and my soul deeply wounded,

22 I was stupid and could not understand; I was like a brute beast in your presence.

23 Yet I am always with you; you take hold of my right hand.

24 With your counsel you guide me, and at the end receive me with honor.

25 Whom else have I in the heavens? None beside you delights me on earth.

26 Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.

27 But those who are far from you perish; you destroy those unfaithful to you.

28 As for me, to be near God is my good, to make the Lord GOD my refuge. I shall declare all your works in the gates of daughter Zion.

The Bells of Summer

As the bells of a monastery call its monks to prayer so too does summer call us to leisure. I am glad to report that I headed this call and ran to attention. The bells called me to12 days in Northwestern Ireland. Hidden away in a thatched roofed cottage for four days without a neighbor in sight you might call this extreme leisure. And I loved it.

Some people prefer high intensity, always-on-the-go, come back tired but exhilarated vacations. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, I knew I wanted a vacation I would not need a vacation

from. Sometimes we think of vacation as “disconnecting” from everything. Wireless technology has made it so easy to “connect” anywhere and very difficult to disconnect. My experience of vacation taught me that I am most connected precisely when I am disconnected from everything. True leisure opens us up to receive and enjoy what is around us.

I remember the moments immediately after having LASIX surgery on my eyes several years ago. Everything was amazingly crisp. I could see the pointed edges of the leaves and the rich textures of plants and buildings. I was seeing nothing new but I was seeing everything in a new way – I could things more clearly as they were. This is a good analogy of leisure. True leisure is medicine to the senses. It cleans out the pores, prunes and retunes the senses and helps us to see and appreciate anew the the beautiful things that surround us .

My trip to Ireland was a time of true leisure that took me out of my “bubble”- my world, my culture, ideas, surroundings - and helped me get realigned, reoriented. It also helped fine-tune my internal listening skills – my senses. Nestled away on a green hill I was free from the many things that call my voice and sometimes shout: TV, radio, internet, IPOD, cell phone etc… Yes, this was a bit uncomfortable at first, restlessness quickly came upon me. I was looking for something to do, to do, to do.

Traveling alone to Ireland was more life-giving and fulfilling than you could imagine. I don’t think I’ll forget sitting in the middle of a large field of yellow daisies that surrounded the cottage. Nature is a convincing and entertaining teacher! Being alone and quiet forced me to look at things that I would normally see in much the same way as I see the painted lanes on the freeway. I see them but I certainly don’t look at them. Sitting in that green field with the thick grass and yellow daisies made me understand instantly how poetry comes into being. It not written so much as it’s observed. And when it is written is more of a testimony of what was seen as opposed to something created by words. It is no wonder that Ireland is the land of poets but it is not enough to simply be in Ireland or anywhere else for that matter. One must stop, sit on the ground and observe. The moment you “use” nature as a means to and an end, even for poetry, you’ve lost it.
As I sat there among the grass and daisies with sheep taking notice of me from a neighboring field I couldn’t help but notice that daisies looking up at the sun and smiling. I saw the daisies dance as they followed the lead of the breeze - sometimes graceful, sometimes violent. Through it all the daisies never fell, never turned their yellow faces to the ground but danced. Each flower according to its height bounced up and down as if on springs as the music of the wind grew stronger. As I watched them spring up and down, left and right, each at its own pace, I can could almost hear them giggle. Their strong and unpredictable dance partner led the dance and they followed and they laughed. I imagined myself as one of them yelling at the wind to “keep it down” or, “tell me the next time you’re going to blow hard” or “let me lead”.

Those daisies taught me how to dance that day.

Leisure also helps to me in my proper place. No cell phone no calls to the parish and…the world went on just fine without me. When I return to the business of life tomorrow I will try to remember the good teaching and example of the daisies and God’s other creations: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. (Mt12:22-31)

Leisure also gave me time for reading which I enjoy. Like going to a movie theater you need and expect some level of silence. Although this level of quiet is not always possible when reading vacation allowed me this freedom knowing I was safe from distraction and free from work. The turf fire, light rain, and Guinness also helped.

Leisure is not a luxury. When we stop and sit among the daisies we rediscover and experience anew the beautiful gifts of God that surround us, they remind of us of his great care for us and in so doing we glimpse of God.

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Postscript:
So how much time off does a priest get?
It differs among religious orders (such as Jesuits and Dominicans) and diocesan priests. There may also be differences from one diocese to another, however, in my diocese we are allowed:
1. One day off a week
2. Four weeks of vacation (but only 3 weekends)
3. Five weekdays after Christmas and Easter (one of which is our day off)
4. One day a month for a day of recollection/prayer.

What I read on Vacation:
Ann Rice: Out of Egypt
Grisham: (finished) The Appeal
Grisham: The Painted House
Jhumpa Lahiri: Unaccustomed Earth
W.B. Yeats: Collection of Poetry
Caritas in Veritate: Pope Benedict XVI

Lessons from Children

Here are few instances where children have stopped me in my tracks.

The Embrace
Not long ago I was hearing the first confessions of children, mostly seven year olds. Each encounter is as precious as the next but once in a while one "gets ya". After about 15 confessions the next child came forward and, like the others, we greeted one another and he made his first confession. However, immediately after I said "your sins are forgiven. Go in peace" he jumped out of his seat and hugged me. I didn't see that coming. The image of the prodigal son raced to my mind. The "prodigal" son wasn't very prodigal in this case, however, the sacramental "embrace" he received from his heavenly Father seemed no less strong and comforting than the one told in Scriptures. I guess he felt compelled to share that with me. I'm glad I was able to be of assistance.


God Loves A Cheerful Giver
Here's the scene. It is Sunday a few minutes before the one o'clock Mass in Spanish. I am standing at the entrance of the church ready to begin the procession. The song begins and the altar servers process in followed by the lectors. Like a wedding, I give a little room between the lectors and myself and get ready to go when a 4 year old girl runs out of the last pew and stand right in front of me. She is so close to me her head to cocked all the way back with her two pony tails hanging freely in the air. She smiles revealing a few missing teach and holds out her closed hand. I hold out my hand as she proudly enriches it with four pennies. I walked quickly to catch up with the procession far ahead of me as I proudly jingled the four pennies in my hand. As Mass continued the bread and wine were brought forward and blessed. At that point I thanked the girl and assured her that her gift was sitting safely right her on the altar.



On God's Time Zone
I had just spent an an hour with teaching children who are preparing to receive their First Holy Communion. We looked at all the different things we use at Mass inlcuding the chalice, paten, corporal, and vestments. After the class, as the students were leaving a little girl looked at me with a serious face and entrigued with all that we had learned about Jesus she asked: "Father, is there anyone alive now who knew Jesus?" Wow. Then again, don't we pray:

"A thousand years in your eyes are merely a yesterday"

Psalm 90:4

A Natural Remedy for the Gotta-Have-It Moments in Life!

You know the feeling: I gotta have it. Sometimes this overwhelming feeling comes to us at the mall, online, on vacation, watching T.V. - anywhere. It can be a dangerous, enslaving feeling whose very pursuit of obtaining what it seeks gives us a devilish joy. We loose focus of everything else around us as we become fixated on this one thing like a hunter who sees his prey. Fixated. Blessed to live in such an affluent county it is within our means to buy many things or put them on our credit card as we add more weight to our heavy debt.

Having lived in a religious community for six years I know what it is like to live a vow of poverty. As millennia of religious brothers and sisters attest, this temptation to own and accumulate follows one into the convent and rectory. Instead of clothes or cars one is tempted to have more of what one already has, a better one or, better yet, a new one - whatever that thing may be. We seem to have this inordinate desire to own whatever we desire. We are not content with enjoying something. We gotta own it!

I recently bought an IPOD. Now, when I listen to a song on the radio or the internet I gotta have it - I have to buy it, own it, ts mine, my precious. Obviously there is absolutely nothing wrong with buying music. I will continue to do so, however, I think there is a valuable lesson in being aware if this passion within us.

Can we simply enjoy something (or someone) without having to own and possess it? Can we enjoy something and let it go? When I go on vacation I am always tempted to buy stuff that I'll never ever use. I understand some of this passion comes from our desire to remember or memorialize different experiences in life. A tee-shirt reminds of where we bought it and in some way helps us to relive some part of that particular experience. Isn't that true? Even in our Catholic tradition we have relics. We naturally want a physical connection to whatever or whoever we love and desire. This reality is deeply rooted in something very true and beautiful: "the Word became flesh and dwelt among us." (Jn 1:14) The spiritual and physical, the natural and divine are forever wedded in us.

Our thirst for material things comes from the fact that we have an unquenchable spiritual hunger that will only be satisfied when "on that day we shall see you, our God, as you are. We shall become like you and praise you for ever "(Eucharist Prayer II). Because we are not angels (pure spirit) but human beings (body and soul) we are made to experience reality through our five bodily senses.

Our passions, including the passion to possess, however, must be subject to reason. They need direction, they need to be informed, to be disciplined but never suppressed. Otherwise, we become slaves to desires that at best offer us momentary pleasure but never satisfy.

In a recent trip to Cabo Real, Mexico, I wanted to buy something badly. I don't remember what it was now, however, I remember loving the trip and therefore felt compelled to buy something - anything. I subconsciously wanted to try to perpetualize this joy I was experiencing through something material. Its incredible that sometimes something as simple as a rock or a picture can help bring to "life" moments we rightfully want to relive.

I found my match, however: nature. Nature is the remedy for this gotta have it mentality. When you look over the Grand Canyon or the Cliffs of Moher, you can't own it; all you can do is enjoy it. Sure, if you have enough money perhaps you could buy some of the land but never enough to own all the beauty in the world - the sea, the sky and land. At some point you just have to sit down and be absorbed by the beauty and enjoy it without trying to buy it.

Nature frustrates our desire to own everything that gives us pleasure. It taunts us saying "I know you wan'it but you can't have it" All we can do is sit defeated and forfeit our seek-and-destroy mentality and just enjoy it without taking possession of it. It seems to me that these are precisely the moments that bring us satisfaction and peace.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

Well, its been a while. It's come to my attention that people were actually reading my blog and perhaps it may have helped someone in some way. So, I will try to write more consistently.

From time to time someone asks me what I like about being a priest. Honestly, its a hard question to answer because the question sometimes relegates the priesthood to a mere job like being a lawyer, credit analyst, or factory worker. Yes, the priesthood is a job, my job is being a Parochial Vicar - a parish priest - but it is first and foremost a vocation, like being married, or single, or a religious sister or brother.

I've decided to sit down and write a brief list of some of my favorite ministerial experiences. These are not listed any any particular order.


Marriage Preparation
One of the things that I spend a considerable amount of time doing is preparing couples for marriage. With divorce rates roaming around 60% and aware of the harm that it causes this is a daunting task. It can be difficult for some couples to really take advantage of this time of preparation because they are stressed out preparing for their wedding day. At times I am tempted to become disheartened when I sit down with a couple for the first time who are asking to make a life-long vow to God and their fiancé and yet are living together, not going to Mass each Sunday, nor praying together. For some, meeting with a priest is just "going through the hoops" to get married. On the other hand, I have occasionally witnessed great transformations during this time of preparation.

It has happened that a couple returns for the second meeting and say "Father, we've decided we're not going to have sex until we get married". Often, one of them will move out until they get married. I have seem couples start to pray together for the first time and go to Mass together each Sunday. While its easy - and my responsibility - to tell engaged couples to do these things it's wonderful to see this change come from within them. As a "father" (priest) I want to offer them the tools for a life of marriage that mirrors the love of God for us. Seeing this transformation in marriage preparation is one of my favorite things.


Domestic Churches
My life as a priest leads me into stranger's homes. I am invited to bless homes or apartments and to anoint someone who is sick. During these visits I have seen some a most profound love and devotion that spouses have for one another, adult children for the sick parents, and parents for their children, particularly those who have disabilities. These homes are truly the domestic churches that Pope John Paul II invites all families to build out of faith and love.

I remember distinctly being called to anoint an elderly and terminally ill woman at her house. I had never met this women or her husband before because her health made impossible for her to leave the house. Her husband answered the door and led me to her. She was clearly in some pain as she lie in her bed. At her side must have been 25 different medicine bottles. She told me that the thing that bothered her most was not the pain but having to make her husband take care of her all the time . She needed help doing everything including going to the bathroom. Her husband, standing next to me was hard of hearing a didn't hear what she said. I asked her how long they had been married. 60 years. I turned to her husband him and in a loud voice asked how he felt about taking care of his wife like this for the last several years. He said in a loud but very gentle and peaceful voice that he loved it. It was so clear to me that he was more in love and devoted to her than they could have been on their wedding day. The type of love this man had for his wife is exactly what the Passion of Christ - the crucifix, looks like in married life. It was beautiful and quite clear that they were already, in some sense, sharing some of the glory of the resurrection. Seeing love and devotion like that is one of my favorite things.


A Family That Prays Together...
You may have heard the expression "a family that prayer together stays together". Admittedly, this sounds a bit utopian. Families that pray together will still have problems and make mistakes; however, prayer is the most powerful tool is fostering a holy, happy, and healthy family. My office window faces the church and so I see often see people as they walk into the church during the day. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing a family coming together in the middle of the week to pray. All fathers and mothers want the best for their kids and enjoy seeing signs from time to time that everything is OK. As a "father" myself, seeing a family coming together in prayer assures me that whether they entered the church in joy or sorrow they'll be leaving in better shape because they've given and committed themselves and each another to God. What more could a father or mother want for her children? Seeing a family praying together is one of my favorite things.

Are You With Me?
Every Mass is different. On a very busy weekend I may celebrate four Masses. (This is the norm for some priests). Even though the readings and songs may be the same, every Mass is different because the people are different. Mass is essential an exchange of gifts. We offer ourselves to God the Father, Jesus gives himself to us and offers himself and us to the Father. Because the "we" is different at every Mass each Mass is different. Sometimes, for whatever reason, I can feel like I'm the only one conscious during Mass. At other times, I can feel the Holy Spirit, we are all celebrating Mass together. People are praying and I can feel it, there is an "energy" in the church (not in the new age kind of way). The value of Mass is always infinite and can't be judged on how we feel, however, celebrating Mass when I can see, hear, and feel that we're all praying together...this is one of my favorite things.


Lost No More
"Forgive me Father its been 50 years since my last confession". It happens all the time, while the people and the number of years may differ people continue to return to Jesus in the Sacrament of Reconciliation and its awesome. Let me be clear to those who may be reading and are unfamiliar with the Catholic Church. These penitents are not returning to the sacrament after decades of being burdened with sin to fulfill some church requirement or ritual. Nor have they come simply to tell someone their sins. God has hounded them with love and mercy, waited patiently, been with them at every step and gently - and sometimes loudly, lead them to himself in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. As with Mas, every person is different and therefore every confession is different, however, every confession is a healing encounter with God - there is no substitute. As you walk into my confessional the first thing you will see is a large cloth image of Christ the Shepherd who has one sheep at his side. On the bottom it says "Lost no more". "There is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than 100 righteous." (Lk 15:7). When God allows me to welcome back the lost for him and experience the joy and peace of the penitent and heaven itself it is truly one of my favorite things.


I Will Go and Prepare a Place for You
Before Jesus was betrayed he told his disciples "I am going to prepare a place for you so that where I am you also may be...You know the way..I am the Way the Truth and and the Life." In the course of the last few years I have been one of the last faces and voices some have seen and heard before dying. No one likes death but it is been such a grace-filled experience walking with someone through the last months, days, and even seconds of their life. This is a ministry that many spouses and children share in as they care for their loved ones. The Sacraments of the Eucharist, Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick are profound ways that Christ keeps his promise of preparing a place for us. The sacraments aren't magic they are encounters with Christ through which he gives us his grace, his life. Every moment of our life is a pilgrimage toward (or away from) God. Helping to preparing someone for the most important moment of their life - meeting God face to face- is one of my favorite things.


Being Taught by Kids
You know what I’m talking about.


This is Work?
Yes, priesthood is a lot of work and is often very intense and very public. This can take its toll. However, at times, as I am preparing for a homily for a wedding, funeral, Quinceanera, daily Mass, Sunday Mass, or preparing to give a talk, it strikes me how awesome it is that my work is praying, reading and studying the Scriptures and our faith. Most people work very hard at their jobs and some people even enjoy what they do but who could beat what I do? I'm never comfortable giving homilies or talks- they're don't come easy for me, however, preparing for them is one of my favorite things.


As you might imagine, I have many other favorite things. These are only a few things as they directly relate to being a priest. There are other personal ones like listening to music, the blues, traveling, Angel's baseball, a good ol' Guinness etc...